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01-Feb-2018 11:06 by 2 Comments

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As with all things Tinder-related, I tend to keep my expectations low.

Adam was a perfectly satisfactory dinner companion, if not a bit damp and blandly lecherous (he revealed he had looked at my Instagram before we met and “really liked the photos of me in a bathing suit.”) And now, standing on the street corner, it was unclear how I was going to walk away from this without an awkward shutdown.

Family Guy/FOX/1999 (Deaf Guy Character) Greased-up Deaf Guy (Mike Henry), disabled character who lives in the town of Quahog, Rhode Island.

This slippery character likes to run around town in his underwear with his body slathered in grease.

My goal wasn’t to get laid (though if the opportunity arose. .)—I was more curious to see what Tinder could offer a single traveling woman besides just convenient sex.

If I was lucky, maybe I’d have a good conversation with someone I would never otherwise have met, a meal at a restaurant I would have overlooked, in a neighborhood I might have neglected to visit, or a buddy to show me some wild underground party that I never would have been cool enough to discover—basically facilitating the other chief travel fantasy, experiencing a city as if it were your own. He was also in a stained hoodie, a sign of low expectations—we matched in that respect—and he apologized for his appearance all through cocktails at Happiness Forgets, a highly rated basement cocktail bar that I’d passed three times without realizing it.

As a result, I spent the first few hours of my London stay in the hotel restaurant trying to figure out what, exactly, to say to people in order to get them to meet up with me right away, on a Monday night. ” usually works, but it wasn’t the desired rendezvous I was going for this evening.) I’ve used Tinder on and off since its second month of existence and I’ve never mastered the opening line. Maybe it’s just me, but all of my opening lines—from pithy to perverted to pictorial—are usually a fast track to deafening silence and the occasional “unmatch.” I tried several: “Hi!

There was an architect who didn’t respond to my “Looking for a tour guide, what should I do today?

The sun was setting and I hadn’t done anything with my first day in London but nurse coffees in the lobby and swipe. ” I told him I was a writer, and he asked what I was writing about. “I can meet in thirty minutes, but I haven’t shaved.

And then I got a message from Adam.* “Where are you staying in London? I told him the Ace Hotel Shoreditch, and he gave me a list of bars to visit and walks to take in the neighborhood. He offered to escort me on any of these excursions. I wasn’t exactly attracted to Adam, but I needed to get out of the hotel and do something. And don’t use my real name, please.” I heard a story once about a coworker of a friend of a friend (so many degrees of separation that it might actually be an urban legend) who routinely went to Paris for work.

The Greased-up Deaf Guy origin is revealed during the episode “Yug Ylimaf” (Title in reverse).

Apparently, he was late for a meeting one day and was the victim of a grease truck explosion which burned off his suit and rendered him deaf.

“You know,” he said leaning in very close, brushing my cheek with the back of his hand, “if this were a date”—I’d been very clear that this was not—“if this were a date, at this point, after some nice drinks, a nice dinner, and you, a beautiful girl with your nice hotel room, I think this night would end with an invitation up.” I mumbled something about jetlag, early mornings, hairy legs that hadn’t been shaved since September, whatever it took, and it took a lot. I don’t need to do the gentlemanly thing and walk you back to your hotel?

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