Validating others - Sex arbar chat
He doesn’t appear to notice Teresa’s troubled feelings, and he goes into problem-solving mode (“Make her stay in a hotel”) instead of simply being with her in her distress.
There’s no judgment in her voice or her heart, just a desire to let Ed know that he’s not crazy, wrong or silly to miss his dog.The fact that she she does is what needs validating. ) indicates that he hears and understands Teresa’s predicament.He also reads the emotional tone underlying what she says, and spells it out by guessing, “That’s a lot of pressure.” Ed then validates the emotion by saying “No wonder you don’t feel like playing tennis.” Those two little words, “no wonder,” are very validating when preceded by an accurate assessment of the person’s experience.By validating Ed’s grief, Teresa makes it okay for him to feel the way he feels. It truly is okay for people to feel the way they feel.No one ever got hurt by someone else having a feeling (see my post, How to Deal with Anger if you don’t believe me).Ironically, given this dollop of validation from Ed, Teresa may start to feel better!
She may even reverse her decision not to play tennis with him today, saying something like, “Maybe I’m overreacting.Let’s look at another way this conversation is likely to go in the real world: In this scenario, Ed focuses on the facts – first the timeline (today’s game vs.next week’s visit), then the ridiculousness of spending so much energy cleaning for a finicky house guest, even if it is Teresa’s mother.I can afford a few hours to play tennis with my boo.” If you felt resistance to validating Teresa in the above example, you’re not alone.Chances are if you feel that way toward Teresa, you’re quite a stern judge of your own emotions, and you believe that you’re not allowed to have a particular feeling unless it’s justified by the facts.Let’s talk first about what validation like on the receiving end, and then we’ll look at how to do it. Our words, actions and/or feelings make sense to another person.